Wedding Cake

Wedding Cake
Saturday July 29, 2006

Well, I went to my first wedding since being Banded on July 10th. It was also the first time my sisters and nieces and nephews had seen my new shrinking body. 7 year old niece Rachel said "Uncle John your face looks smaller". The family also noted that I could actually BUTTON my suit coat where when they last saw me at the first of June, the suit was about six inches away from being buttoned.

So, that was all good things.

Appetizers- two crackers- one with Pimento Cheese and one with Benedictine, and two or three cheese cubes. In the past that would have been 1/4 of the first of two or three plates.

Dinner- not much I could eat as I am still on "Soft foods". Luckily they had small white potatoes that I mashed with some butter. I brought a bag of flavored tuna (actually had it in my pocket during the reception and nobody noticed!)

But, later I had- Drumroll please-WEDDING CAKE. The wedding cake looked like Italian Cream Cake with nuts and coconut. So I went for the groom's cake, as it was pound cake with white icing and a caramel outside icing. Yum yum. I even had the Deaconess Dieticioness's approval, "OK- just one small piece, treat yourself." I took twenty minutes to eat what would have taken two in the past.



Amazing - 2 crackers, 5 ounces of tuna and 4 small potatoes and I was full. A SMALL piece of cake an hour later and I was full. That would have never kept me a year ago.

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Now, since this is my life, there has to be a TWIST TO THE STORY.

OK, being a guy, what is every guy's fantasy at a wedding- yup- Bridesmaids.

Since the bride is 28, all her bridesmaids are plus or minus 5 years. A 43 year old can be with a 33 year old, but not a 23 year old without being thought an old pervert. Let alone the really beautiful brunette 22 year old cousin of the bride who did not make the bridesmaid cut.

But, I digress.

As we left the first floor where the appetizers were and get on the elevator to go to the dinner floor, I am 'caught' not by a bridesmaid. But by the drunken MOTHER of a bridesmaid. She proceeds to tell me in the way that only Louisville women can- southern accent at 100 mph- how her daughter has had a crush on me for years since I took my "daughter" to the bride's graduation party ten years ago and how her daughter even lived in Northern Kentucky a few years ago and wanted to call me but was afraid to be the stepmother of a daughter. (Again, put that in one sentence with no pauses and say it in less than 4 seconds).

My response is of course - a stunned "HUH", followed by "Daughter? Are you sure you have the right guy, to my knowledge, I don't have any offspring."

The drunken mother of the best woman then CORRECTS ME. "NO- YOU DO HAVE A DAUGHTER- YOU BROUGHT HER TO THE FARM AND WENT SWIMMING, TAUGHT HER TO FISH AND THEN WENT BOATING WITH HER. YOU WERE A GREAT DAD ALL DAY LONG. YOU EVEN MADE HER EAT DINNER AND SAY THANK YOU." (Please note all caps, as she was LOUDLY CORRECTING ME in the small elevator full of people on my forgetting that I have a daughter.) After several floors of being corrected, I note that I have been to a number of parties at the bride's grandparent's farm and can think that I MIGHT have brought my now 21 year old niece when she was younger.

"NIECE" she said. YOU MEAN MY DAUGHTER COULD HAVE GONE OUT WITH YOU?

Again I am still confused, as I'm still not certain which one is her daughter. As the elevator opens she calls to Sarah- SARAH, COME SAY HELLO TO JOHN. Sarah is the Best Woman- who turns now a 28 year old 6 foot tall beautiful blonde with a smile to die for.

So, at this point I am getting a 100 MPH Southern accented talk from one of the prettiest girls in Louisville. My head is spinning. I then notice HER RING. I ask her where her husband is. Of course, not being with his beautiful fun outgoing wife, but next to the OPEN BAR with 12 other drunk husbands of wedding guests.

Finally we must say farewell, as the bridal entrance is going to happen. At that point the drunken mother then comes over AGAIN, and tells me how she wishes I were her son in law instead of the drunk at the bar.


Amazing. Only could happen to me.